A woman was having an affair during d day while her husband was @work.Her nine-year-old son came home unexpectedly, saw d illegal lovers &hid in d bedroom cupboard2watch.Then d woman's husband unexpectedly came home. She hid her lover in d cupboard, not realising dat her little boy was in there already.D little Boy said: "Dark in here."
D Man said: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball. Do u want2buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if u don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£100"
A few weeks l8r it happened again d boy &d lover were in d cupboard 2geda again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I hav soccer boots."
D Man, remembering d last time, asked d boy: "How much?"
Boy said:"£500"
Man said: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days l8r, d father said 2d boy: "Grab ur ball &boots, let's go outside &hav a game."
Boy said: "I can't, I sold them4 £600"
Father said: "dat's terrible 2 overcharge ur friends like dat. £600 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going2take u2church&make u confess ur sins."
They got2church &d father made d little boy sit in d confession booth and he closed the door.
Boy said: "Dark in here."
Priest said: "Dont start dat again plssss"
9ja!
Boy said: "Dark in here."
Priest said: "Dont start dat again plssss"
Three Drunks
3drunk men stop a taxi & d taxi driver sensed dat they were drunk & so they enterd d car & d driver starts d engine & turned it off again & then he said'we don reach there o. D 1st guy gave him money, d 2nd guy said''thank u'' d 3rd guy gave him a slap & d driver was surprised, tinkin d 3rd guy realized d car did not move, so he asked wat was dat 4? d drunk man replied'..control ur speed nxt time.U almost killed us!
Do u knw 9gRIANS cn mak a full coversation wit jus questions ? J read dis. Sender: Guy how far? Receiver: wetin dey hapen? Sender: y dint you call me? Receiver: u gimi credit? Sender: anyway wer u dey? Receiver: u wan show? Sender? 4 wer na? Receiver: U sabi wine bar? Sender: make we block der? Receiver: b4 nko abi u sabi anoda plc we fit block?Sender: anoda plc no dey?Reciever: na me u de ask? No b u̶̲̥̅̊ call?
Rapping on duty
PERFECT ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS
1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?
A: No! I’m training to die>:)
2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:- Need it to be fixed?
A: No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride.
3. When It’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask: - Are you going out in this rain?
A: No, in the next one.:|
4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you: - You Awake?
A: No. I'm sleep walking!(:|
5. Your friend calls your home phone:- Where are you?
A: At the bus stop!:/
6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:- Did you just have a bath?
A: No, I fell in the toilet bowl!8-|
7. You are standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor and they ask:- Going up?
A: No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come down and get me.
8. Your husband comes home with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:- are those Flowers?
A: No! Na Carrots.
9. You’re in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking: - Is anyone in there?
A: No! The SHIT is talking to you!:D
10. You're on the queue to buy tickets @ the cinema, a friend saw u & ask:- what are u doing here?
A: I'm here to pay my school fees!>:O
AY AS HOUSE BOY
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Littel Johny
Johny walked into clas every Morning with a black eye.
Teacher:- what's wrong?
Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleepin?'
Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"
Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The folowing morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacehr:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny äre u sleeping?
& I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing eratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, are u coming?
Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are u coming too?
Dad answered:- Yes.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me,
I'm also coming.:O X_X. And he gave me a black eye again.:'( .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mami Wata Pawa
Some waffi church membas enta ferry as dem com reach midu of water na im sista ejiro begin sing " he's a miraku workin God" see dance plus clapping. Song change 2 "Jesus power,supa power,babalawo pawa. Pawaless pawa,Mammy water pawa..,. na im evribodi kip quiet dia face strong."sista Ejiro Abeg mk we rish d oda side 1st =D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Naija Police Test
A young police officer was taking his final exam at Police College in Lagos.
Here is one of the questions:
You are on patrol in the outskirts of lagos when an explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants - a man and woman - are injured. You recognise the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan.
A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realise that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery.
Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent.
Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim. Describe in a few words what action you would take?"The officer thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote:
"I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Death came to a guy and said my friend today is your day and the guy said but I am not ready and death said well your next on my list. So the guy told death that ok why don't you take a sit and I will get you something to eat before we go and death said alright then. The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell asleep and the guy removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list so when death woke up he said to the guy I will start from the bottom of the list cause you have been so nice to me
Chinese Doctor vs Western Doctor While in China, an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.' The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.' The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.' The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!' 'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied. 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Age Detector
ok lets play dis..its really surprising.
YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH.
dnt tell me you age,you'd probably lie anyway,but the CALPINAL man will know!
YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH.
this pretty neat
......DNT CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST.
it takes les than 1 minute.
work this out as u read.
be sure you dnt read the bottom until you've woked it out.
1.first of all,pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex
(more than once but less than 10)
2.multiply this number by 2(just to be bold)
3.add 5
4.multiply it by 50...i'll wait while u get ur calculator.
5.if u have already had ur b-day this year add 1761,if you haven't add 1760
6.NOW SUBTRACT THE FOUR DIGIT YEAR DAT U WERE BORN.
you should have a 3 digit number
the first digit of this was your original number.(i.e.how many times you want to have sex each week)
the next 2 number are ARE UR AGE!
OH YES, IT IS!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR 2011 IT WILL EVER WORK,SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE U LAST.HAVE A NICE DAY!
Pay Raise
More Laffs
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more... fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female philosophy student fails her exam. Frustrated she approaches her tutor and asks her "Do you know anything about the subject you teach?" She replies "Of course, I wouldn't be a tutor otherwise."
The girl says " Ok, I'll ask you a ph...ilosophical question. If you can answer it, I'll accept my failure, If you can't give me full marks." The tutor accepts. The girl asks "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?" The tutor gives this a lot of thought. Finally she gives up, eats humble pie and gives the girl full marks. A few days later the tutors curiosity gets the better of her and phones the girl. She asks "Ok fair enough, I've given you a pass, full marks too, now whats the answer to that question?"
She says "The fact that you, a 50 year old woman, are married to a 25 year old man, is legal but not logical. The fact that your husband is having an affair with a 20 year old girl, is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given an unearned pass to your husbands lover is neither legal nor logical.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach, & went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into ...the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When in he came silently, He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished & still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? & switched on the light... No madam, Said the gardener …
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny no...ises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think You're going?"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laff Drills
I told her : " I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : "If you love me pls introduce me to John"....LMAO
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 mnts old twin babi in womb saw a penis coming in 2wards them.1st babi said,daddy is coming inside 2 say hello.2nd babi said,u fool its uncle,daddy neva comes with rain coat. X X
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor observed.
To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognised his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way." I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have today peepz
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she wants to go to heavin a virgin, but can have anal sex though. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise."Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"=))
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AKPAN told his servant: “Go and water the plants!”
Servant: “It is already raining”
AKPAN: “So what? Take an umbrella and go”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three tortoise,mike,andy and roy decide to go on a picnic. So mike packs d picnic bucket wit beers and sandwiches. The trouble is d picnic site is 10 miles away so it took them ten days to get there. Wen they got there mike unpack the food and says 'ok roy,give me the bottle opener'. 'I dint bring it' says roy! 'I tot u parked it?' Mike gets worried,so he turns to andy and says 'did u bring the bottle opener'. Naturally andy dint bring it. So they are stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mike and Andy begged Roy to go back for it,but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After 2hrs,and after they have sworn on their tortoise life that they would not eat the sandwiches,he finally agrees. So roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and mike and andy are starving. But a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back,but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer. So they take a sandwich each,and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops from behind a rock and shouts ' I KNEW IT....................AM NOT GOIN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked Teacher,can my Mum get pregnant?How old is ur mum asked d teacher.35 she replied "Yes, ur mum can get pregnant "The little girl then asked,Can I get pregnant?...How old are you dear?5 years old the little girl answered " No dear ",you can't get pregnant.Then,a little boy behind the little girl gave her a poke & said,See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!'The teacher fainted.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer andchisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath You scared us half to death --
we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun went 4 a urine test n wuz mistakenly given d result of a pregnant spinster
''o my God'' she exclaimed,
u cant even trust candles dese days. =))
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a Successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and Joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight School to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,Where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his Best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave awaySomething very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
Jokes wrap up in 2010.
Lil Johnnies mother decided 2 transfer him 2 a catholic mission skool coz his grades had gone down n the teachers were alwyz jumpy around him. 2 his mothers suprise, he transformd frm day 1. Straight 4rm skool, he'd go straight 2 his study room n even opt 2 miss all his favourite tv shows n smtyms supper. This went on 4 a week n finaly his mother could not hold her curiousity any more. So 1 evenning, she went into the study room n found lil johnny deep into books. She askd him, 'hi honey, pls talk 2 me, u seem 2 b the studious kind all over. Is it the teachers?' lil J replied 'no' 'the new skool atmosphere?' the mother persisted, 'no' came the reply. 'Ok, pls tel me then' his mother said. Lil Jhonny sighed n said, 'u knw on my 1st day wen i saw that guy nailed to the cross juz outside the exam hall, i knew these tutors were not foolin around.
==========================================
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the... cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further an d the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
==========================================
A lady who's been mourning her husband for four years finally goes away for the weekend with a man. On their first night, she gets naked except for a pair of black knickers.
"Why the black knickers?" asks the man
"You can fondle my breasts, my body is yours to explore, but down there i'm still in mourning," she says.
The ......next night, the same thing happens. But this time, the man is wearing a black condom. "what's with the black condom?" she asks.
The man replies, "I want to offer my condolences.
===============================================
A farmer rears 25 young hens,and 1 old cock as
he feels the cock could not handle his job properly he brings in a new
cock.
old cock :welcome and join me we will work together towards
productivity
young cock:what do you mean u r old and shud retire
old cock: young man ,there are 25 hens here cant i help u with some?
young cock : no not at all.all of them will be mine
old cock: in that case i will challenge u to a race if u win all of them
will be urs but if i win all of them will be mine
young cock :ok
old cock: 50 meters to that tree,but due to my age i will get a
head start of upto 10 meters
young cock : no problem,bring it on.
So the old cock starts the race and before long the younger cock is
closing fast behind him.suddenly BANG!!!!!!The famer shoots the young
cock."Damn thats the fifth gay cock ave bought this week
==========================================
Healing the Sick
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, ...placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his pennis.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
==========================================
A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks upbut doesn't say anything. The man asks, "Son, how old are you?" Little Johnny says, "Six." Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."
"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?" Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
==========================================
A woman goes to london for a 2 week company training session. her husband drives her to the airport. she says: "what wud u like me to bring back for you?"he laughs and says: "A london preety girl"2 weeks later the wife comes back.the husband says: "so, how was the trip.............. and where is my london girl?"she says: "the ...trip was fine..... as for the london girl, well i did all i could. now we'll have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl!"
==========================================
A man escapes frm prison where he has been 4 15 yrs.He breaks in a house 2 look 4 money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders d guy out of bed & ties him 2 a chair.while tying d girl 2 d bed,he gets on top of her,kisses her neck,then gets up & goes 2 d bathroom.While he's in there,d husband tells his wife: listen,...dis guy's an escaped convict,look @ his clothes.He probably spent lots of time in jail & hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed ur neck.If he wants sex dont resist,dont complain,do wateva he tells u.satisfy him.dis guy is probably very dangerous,n if he gets angry,he'll kil us.Be strong honey.i love you. To which his wife respond,'he wasn't kissin my neck,he was whisperin in my ear.He told me he was gay,thot u were cute,& asked me if we had any vaseline.I told him it was in d bathroom.Be strong honey,i love u too
White baby born 2 Naija parents, if na you....
The simple question I want to ask the guys is that, If na you wetin you go do?
Laffs from Project Fame auditions!
Every Reality TV Show has the hard heart breaking part where you watch on the edge on your pulse and the extremely funny side where your ribs threatens to give way because of laughter.
I posted the auditioning from Glo Naija Sings Season 2 previously (just scroll down) and now its the turn of Project Fame. Pls Brace yourself as I wont be responsible for any damage to your ribs.
Brace Yourself!
Top 10 laffs on Glo Naija Sings Season 2 (preliminary selections)
Every Reality TV Show has the hard heart breaking part where you watch on the edge on your pulse and the extremely funny side where your ribs threatens to give way because of laughter.
Glo Naija Sings Season 2 didnt disappoint in both areas but teaserjokes is all about the laughs. Enjoy
Thanks to Boma Anita for this one.
AfroCandy is at it again!
For those that have seen this before, you probably know why this video is being posted here......... if you dont, Watch it...lol
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
MISS-COMMUNICATION
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
door-bell, because the young couple haven't paid their last
bill:
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That
night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad
as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first
thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my
wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut
yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAIN OF CHILD BIRTH
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Listen to this rare legends of the spoken language display oratory in the laughter provocating bruhaha...lol
(Hope i tried)
BIBLE IN PIDGIN
ENG: As it is written in the bible.
PIDGIN: As dem yan 4 bible!
ENG: Jesus entered the boat with his disciples!
PIDGIN: Na im Jesus cum enta canoe wit im padi dem!
ENG: As the boat was sailing, there was a great storm!!!
PIDGIN: As d canoe dey go, na im yawa cum gas!!!
ENG: The storm was so great that it was like a whirl wind!
PIDGIN: as d yawa dey, na im kasala cum burst!!
ENG: The disciples became so afraid and they shouted master master!
PIDGIN: Na im liva fail im padi dem, na im dem begin dey hala bros eh! bros eh!!
ENG: Jesus got up and calmed down the wind!
PIDGIN: Na im Jesus rise up cum arrange d yawa!
ENG: He turned to his disciples and said, oh ye with little faith!
PIDGIN: Na so Jesus luk im padi dem, shake im head say UNA FALL MA HAND!
ENG: The disciples replied and said what manner of man is this?
PIDGIN: im padi dem cum hala sho!! bros J which kan levels na? U B WINSH?
Man n Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the... cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further an d the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Rapping on duty
PERFECT ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS
1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?
A: No! I’m training to die>:)
2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:- Need it to be fixed?
A: No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride.
3. When It’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask: - Are you going out in this rain?
A: No, in the next one.:|
4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you: - You Awake?
A: No. I'm sleep walking!(:|
5. Your friend calls your home phone:- Where are you?
A: At the bus stop!:/
6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:- Did you just have a bath?
A: No, I fell in the toilet bowl!8-|
7. You are standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor and they ask:- Going up?
A: No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come down and get me.
8. Your husband comes home with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:- are those Flowers?
A: No! Na Carrots.
9. You’re in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking: - Is anyone in there?
A: No! The SHIT is talking to you!:D
10. You're on the queue to buy tickets @ the cinema, a friend saw u & ask:- what are u doing here?
A: I'm here to pay my school fees!>:O
AY AS HOUSE BOY
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Littel Johny
Johny walked into clas every Morning with a black eye.
Teacher:- what's wrong?
Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleepin?'
Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"
Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The folowing morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacehr:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny äre u sleeping?
& I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing eratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, are u coming?
Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are u coming too?
Dad answered:- Yes.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me,
I'm also coming.:O X_X. And he gave me a black eye again.:'( .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mami Wata Pawa
Some waffi church membas enta ferry as dem com reach midu of water na im sista ejiro begin sing " he's a miraku workin God" see dance plus clapping. Song change 2 "Jesus power,supa power,babalawo pawa. Pawaless pawa,Mammy water pawa..,. na im evribodi kip quiet dia face strong."sista Ejiro Abeg mk we rish d oda side 1st =D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Naija Police Test
A young police officer was taking his final exam at Police College in Lagos.
Here is one of the questions:
You are on patrol in the outskirts of lagos when an explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants - a man and woman - are injured. You recognise the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan.
A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realise that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery.
Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent.
Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim. Describe in a few words what action you would take?"The officer thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote:
"I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Death came to a guy and said my friend today is your day and the guy said but I am not ready and death said well your next on my list. So the guy told death that ok why don't you take a sit and I will get you something to eat before we go and death said alright then. The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell asleep and the guy removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list so when death woke up he said to the guy I will start from the bottom of the list cause you have been so nice to me
Chinese Doctor vs Western Doctor While in China, an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.' The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.' The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.' The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!' 'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied. 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Age Detector
ok lets play dis..its really surprising.
YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH.
dnt tell me you age,you'd probably lie anyway,but the CALPINAL man will know!
YOUR AGE BY SEX MATH.
this pretty neat
......DNT CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST.
it takes les than 1 minute.
work this out as u read.
be sure you dnt read the bottom until you've woked it out.
1.first of all,pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex
(more than once but less than 10)
2.multiply this number by 2(just to be bold)
3.add 5
4.multiply it by 50...i'll wait while u get ur calculator.
5.if u have already had ur b-day this year add 1761,if you haven't add 1760
6.NOW SUBTRACT THE FOUR DIGIT YEAR DAT U WERE BORN.
you should have a 3 digit number
the first digit of this was your original number.(i.e.how many times you want to have sex each week)
the next 2 number are ARE UR AGE!
OH YES, IT IS!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR 2011 IT WILL EVER WORK,SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE U LAST.HAVE A NICE DAY!
Pay Raise
Maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to
her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Ma'm, there are three reasons
why I want an increase.The first is that I iron
better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a
better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense! Who said you were a better
cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh.."
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at
sex than you in bed."
Wife: (Really furious now) "Did my husband
say that as well!?"Maria: "No Ma'm ... The
gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Ma'm, there are three reasons
why I want an increase.The first is that I iron
better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a
better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense! Who said you were a better
cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh.."
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at
sex than you in bed."
Wife: (Really furious now) "Did my husband
say that as well!?"Maria: "No Ma'm ... The
gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
More Laffs
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more... fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female philosophy student fails her exam. Frustrated she approaches her tutor and asks her "Do you know anything about the subject you teach?" She replies "Of course, I wouldn't be a tutor otherwise."
The girl says " Ok, I'll ask you a ph...ilosophical question. If you can answer it, I'll accept my failure, If you can't give me full marks." The tutor accepts. The girl asks "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?" The tutor gives this a lot of thought. Finally she gives up, eats humble pie and gives the girl full marks. A few days later the tutors curiosity gets the better of her and phones the girl. She asks "Ok fair enough, I've given you a pass, full marks too, now whats the answer to that question?"
She says "The fact that you, a 50 year old woman, are married to a 25 year old man, is legal but not logical. The fact that your husband is having an affair with a 20 year old girl, is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given an unearned pass to your husbands lover is neither legal nor logical.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach, & went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into ...the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When in he came silently, He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished & still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? & switched on the light... No madam, Said the gardener …
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny no...ises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think You're going?"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laff Drills
 |
| Fu*kup Dog |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 mnts old twin babi in womb saw a penis coming in 2wards them.1st babi said,daddy is coming inside 2 say hello.2nd babi said,u fool its uncle,daddy neva comes with rain coat. X X
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Who is responsible |
To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognised his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way." I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have today peepz
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Feeling cool |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she wants to go to heavin a virgin, but can have anal sex though. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise."Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"=))
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AKPAN told his servant: “Go and water the plants!”
Servant: “It is already raining”
AKPAN: “So what? Take an umbrella and go”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three tortoise,mike,andy and roy decide to go on a picnic. So mike packs d picnic bucket wit beers and sandwiches. The trouble is d picnic site is 10 miles away so it took them ten days to get there. Wen they got there mike unpack the food and says 'ok roy,give me the bottle opener'. 'I dint bring it' says roy! 'I tot u parked it?' Mike gets worried,so he turns to andy and says 'did u bring the bottle opener'. Naturally andy dint bring it. So they are stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mike and Andy begged Roy to go back for it,but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After 2hrs,and after they have sworn on their tortoise life that they would not eat the sandwiches,he finally agrees. So roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and mike and andy are starving. But a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back,but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer. So they take a sandwich each,and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops from behind a rock and shouts ' I KNEW IT....................AM NOT GOIN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Not in the mood |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer andchisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath You scared us half to death --
we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun went 4 a urine test n wuz mistakenly given d result of a pregnant spinster
''o my God'' she exclaimed,
u cant even trust candles dese days. =))
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SONS - FATHERS' PRIDE AND JOY
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a Party.After several drinks, one of them went to the rest room. Those who Remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a Successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and Joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight School to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,Where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his Best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave awaySomething very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One Of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a Stripper at a nightclub.'The three friends said: 'What a shame....what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love Him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago,And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet And a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
GOVT. OF MALAWI TO PUNISH ANYBODY THAT FARTS IN PUBLIC!!!
 |
| Malawi President, Dr Bingu wa Mutharika |
Lol....LMAO...LWKMD....
Breaking wind is set to be made a crime in an African country.
The government of Malawi plan to punish persistent offenders 'who foul the air' in a bid to 'mould responsible and disciplined citizens.'
But locals fear that pinning responsibility on the crime will be difficult - and may lead to miscarriages of justice as 'criminals' attempt to blame others for their offence.
One Malawian told the website Africanews.com: 'My goodness. What happens in a public place where a group is gathered. Do they lock up half a minibus?
'And how about at meetings where it is difficult to pinpoint 'culprits'?
'Children will openly deny having passed bad air and point at an elder. Culturally, this is very embarrassing,' she said.
Another said: 'We have serious issues affecting Malawians today. I do not know how fouling the air should take priority over regulating Chinese investments which do not employ locals, serious graft amongst legislators, especially those in the ruling party, and many more.'
The crime will be enforceable in a new 'Local Court' system which will also have powers to punish a range of other crimes in the bill set to be debated in the country's parliament.
These include insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging to fight a duel, and trespassing on a burial place.
It also outlaws pretending to be a fortune teller, according to local press in the country.
Opposition leaders complain the new courts will be 'kangaroo courts'
Jokes wrap up in 2010.
==========================================
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the... cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further an d the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
==========================================
A lady who's been mourning her husband for four years finally goes away for the weekend with a man. On their first night, she gets naked except for a pair of black knickers.
"Why the black knickers?" asks the man
"You can fondle my breasts, my body is yours to explore, but down there i'm still in mourning," she says.
The ......next night, the same thing happens. But this time, the man is wearing a black condom. "what's with the black condom?" she asks.
The man replies, "I want to offer my condolences.
===============================================
A farmer rears 25 young hens,and 1 old cock as
he feels the cock could not handle his job properly he brings in a new
cock.
old cock :welcome and join me we will work together towards
productivity
young cock:what do you mean u r old and shud retire
old cock: young man ,there are 25 hens here cant i help u with some?
young cock : no not at all.all of them will be mine
old cock: in that case i will challenge u to a race if u win all of them
will be urs but if i win all of them will be mine
young cock :ok
old cock: 50 meters to that tree,but due to my age i will get a
head start of upto 10 meters
young cock : no problem,bring it on.
So the old cock starts the race and before long the younger cock is
closing fast behind him.suddenly BANG!!!!!!The famer shoots the young
cock."Damn thats the fifth gay cock ave bought this week
==========================================
Healing the Sick
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, ...placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his pennis.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
==========================================
A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks upbut doesn't say anything. The man asks, "Son, how old are you?" Little Johnny says, "Six." Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."
"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?" Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
==========================================
A woman goes to london for a 2 week company training session. her husband drives her to the airport. she says: "what wud u like me to bring back for you?"he laughs and says: "A london preety girl"2 weeks later the wife comes back.the husband says: "so, how was the trip.............. and where is my london girl?"she says: "the ...trip was fine..... as for the london girl, well i did all i could. now we'll have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl!"
==========================================
A man escapes frm prison where he has been 4 15 yrs.He breaks in a house 2 look 4 money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders d guy out of bed & ties him 2 a chair.while tying d girl 2 d bed,he gets on top of her,kisses her neck,then gets up & goes 2 d bathroom.While he's in there,d husband tells his wife: listen,...dis guy's an escaped convict,look @ his clothes.He probably spent lots of time in jail & hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed ur neck.If he wants sex dont resist,dont complain,do wateva he tells u.satisfy him.dis guy is probably very dangerous,n if he gets angry,he'll kil us.Be strong honey.i love you. To which his wife respond,'he wasn't kissin my neck,he was whisperin in my ear.He told me he was gay,thot u were cute,& asked me if we had any vaseline.I told him it was in d bathroom.Be strong honey,i love u too
White baby born 2 Naija parents, if na you....
The simple question I want to ask the guys is that, If na you wetin you go do?
Laffs from Project Fame auditions!
Every Reality TV Show has the hard heart breaking part where you watch on the edge on your pulse and the extremely funny side where your ribs threatens to give way because of laughter.
I posted the auditioning from Glo Naija Sings Season 2 previously (just scroll down) and now its the turn of Project Fame. Pls Brace yourself as I wont be responsible for any damage to your ribs.
Brace Yourself!
Top 10 laffs on Glo Naija Sings Season 2 (preliminary selections)
Every Reality TV Show has the hard heart breaking part where you watch on the edge on your pulse and the extremely funny side where your ribs threatens to give way because of laughter.
Glo Naija Sings Season 2 didnt disappoint in both areas but teaserjokes is all about the laughs. Enjoy
Oyinbo Boy perform Naija songs in Belgium (Antwerpen) 2010
'Wonders will never end', was the comment someone made on this song, but was I surprised? Well not really, because its Naija music all the way. I am among the school of thoughts that says "Music originated from Nigeria". Thanks to Boma Anita for this one.
AfroCandy is at it again!
For those that have seen this before, you probably know why this video is being posted here......... if you dont, Watch it...lol
Its a boys thing
Every day Little Johnny walks home from school past a 4th gradegirl's house. One day he is carrying a football and he stops totaunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says,
"Hey Mary! See this football? Football is a boy's game and girlscan't have one!"
Little Mary runs into the house crying and tells her mother aboutthe encounter. Her mother immediately runs out and buys the girla football.
The next day, Johnny is riding home on his bike and Little Maryshows him the football and yells, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"
Little Johnny gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike?This is a boy's bike and girls can't have 'em!"
The next day, Johnny comes by and little Mary is riding a newboy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he immediately drops hispants, points at his most private of private parts and says,
"You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and not even YOUR mother cango out and buy you one!"
The next day as Johnny passes the house he asks little Mary,"Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
She pulls up her dress and replies, "My mother told me that aslong as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as Iwant!"
SOMETHINGS YOU CAN'T JUST EXPLAIN
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Man: So what happened then?Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.
MISS-COMMUNICATION
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throwsher arms around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
door-bell, because the young couple haven't paid their last
bill:
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That
night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad
as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first
thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my
wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut
yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
"WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAIN OF CHILD BIRTH
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Ramadan
Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .
One is David, the other is Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate with a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael : "Look,let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself "Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said : "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said : "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."
Then he turned to the other and said :
" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan.
One is David, the other is Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate with a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael : "Look,let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself "Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said : "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said : "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."
Then he turned to the other and said :
" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan.
Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon vs Pastor Chris Okotie - Nigeria
Listen to this rare legends of the spoken language display oratory in the laughter provocating bruhaha...lol
(Hope i tried)
BIBLE IN PIDGIN
ENG: As it is written in the bible.PIDGIN: As dem yan 4 bible!
ENG: Jesus entered the boat with his disciples!
PIDGIN: Na im Jesus cum enta canoe wit im padi dem!
ENG: As the boat was sailing, there was a great storm!!!
PIDGIN: As d canoe dey go, na im yawa cum gas!!!
ENG: The storm was so great that it was like a whirl wind!
PIDGIN: as d yawa dey, na im kasala cum burst!!
ENG: The disciples became so afraid and they shouted master master!
PIDGIN: Na im liva fail im padi dem, na im dem begin dey hala bros eh! bros eh!!
ENG: Jesus got up and calmed down the wind!
PIDGIN: Na im Jesus rise up cum arrange d yawa!
ENG: He turned to his disciples and said, oh ye with little faith!
PIDGIN: Na so Jesus luk im padi dem, shake im head say UNA FALL MA HAND!
ENG: The disciples replied and said what manner of man is this?
PIDGIN: im padi dem cum hala sho!! bros J which kan levels na? U B WINSH?
Man n Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the... cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further an d the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
